On the Nature of Daylight
by malagenabolakaful
Summary: For the first time in 17 years, something inside of Donna calms down and finds peace. The kind of peace she would only feel when she picked up her instrument. She feels like that when she looks at Harvey and it scares her so much that she ignores it the best she can. — one-shot. teenage darvey AU. they're both musicians. starts tragic, ends tragic.


**_so, I should be working on my bachelor thesis now and instead I spent all of yesterday writing this entire fic in one sitting. I'm both proud and annoyed with myself but what can you do when inspiration hits._**

**_this story is very AU, harvey and donna are teenagers, lily is harvey's grandma (just roll with it) and he lives with her because his parents died. 9-1-1 is entirely to blame for the idea of this fic, watch the show if you haven't already. it's incredible._**

**_since I wrote this, be warned: it's very sad. I've had people yelling at me constantly since yesterday, so prepare for the worst. you can listen to 'on the nature of daylight' by max richter to get a better feeling of why it holds such a huge meaning to both harvey and donna in this story. the other song is 'down to the second' by zach berkman._**

**_enjoy reading and let me know what you think_**

**_x P._**

* * *

_On the Nature of Daylight_

* * *

.

When they meet, it feels like a movie.

No matter how many times Harvey thinks back on it, he would always describe it the same: it was like a lightning bolt struck him. It felt exactly the same clichéd way as it sounds.

The first thing he ever knew of her, before he knew her name, or the colour of her eyes, or the sound of her laugh, was _her._

He knew her before he ever saw the first glimpse of her face.

She's playing _On the Nature of Daylight_ by Max Richter. He knows because that was the last piece of music he ever played on the piano. His mum's favourite piece. It's what he played at his parents' funeral, the last time he ever let himself touch a piano.

He hasn't heard it since.

It lets him stop dead in his tracks, right outside the music room, in a hallway full of students. They're bumping into him, but he doesn't care. The world blurs in front of his eyes as he listens, as he feels things he's buried long ago.

He feels sadness. Deep, crushing pain tightening his chest so brutally he can hardly breathe.

He feels the overwhelming urge to join this stranger in this room he usually avoids like the plague, and to join them playing the next part, his favourite part. His fingers are suddenly itching to play the piano again.

Before he knows what's happening, his back is pressed against the wall, eyes shut tight so the other students won't see him cry in the middle of lunch break. He's right next to the door, the music coming out of the room tearing him apart and holding him up at the same time.

Harvey tries to even out his breathing when it ends, leaving nothing but a heavy, deafening silence in his head. For a moment, it's like he lost his parents all over again.

He listens to the person inside the room shuffling around and there's a sudden panic inside of him, because what must they think of him if they see him like this, no matter who they are?

He fumbles for his phone and speed dials.

The voice on the other end of the line soothes him immediately.

"Hey, nan", he says, his voice shaking. "Is it okay if I come home early today?"

.

Donna gave up on playing the piano years ago. It was like from one day to the next, her heart wasn't in it anymore.

But cello? She could play cello until her fingers bled.

And she's good at it, she knows it.

If only she could play in front of an audience without panicking.

It's ridiculous, really. She was never a shy person. She has no trouble during one of the school plays, she can sing and dance and make a fool out of herself without thinking twice. She can miss a line or ruin a dance routine without ever losing her smile.

But somehow, this is different.

This feels like giving a part of herself to someone else, to share her most vulnerable self with an audience she can't control.

She fears that if she would ever mess up on stage, she would never play again.

So, she plays alone.

Alone in her room at home.

Alone at school during lunch breaks.

It changes when she meets Lily.

It's just part of the volunteer work Donna does, and if she's honest with herself, she doesn't know if she signs up for it because she wants to help a strange old lady who can't walk anymore or because she knows she can never have enough extra credit points.

The first thing she notices the day she steps into Lily's apartment is a specific kind of chaos. A chaos she's intimately familiar with, because her own room at home looks similar.

Lily is an artist, Donna realises.

There are paintings scattered around every room, most of them only halfway done, and one of the first sentences Lily ever says to her is, "technically, I'm retired. But artists never retire."

Donna doesn't know why she tells her; she usually tries not to. But there's something about Lily that softens her from the moment they meet, something that pushes her to talk about her music, her compositions, her instrument. Lily listens with bright, clear eyes and a soft smile and Donna doesn't really understand why but she feels seen and heard for the first time in a long time.

Her shell cracks for the first time that week.

When Lily casually asks her if she wants to bring the cello with her next time, she agrees without thinking about it.

The next day during lunch, she curses herself for it.

She's playing something challenging to take her mind off it. _November_ by Max Richter. She's been doing a lot of his compositions lately, and though she doesn't know why, she knows better than to question it. It's the only time she allows herself to go with nothing but her intuition, to give her overcrowded head a much-needed break.

She doesn't see him until she's done with the piece and opens her eyes.

.

She's panting, with flushed cheeks and a bright, almost unnatural glint in her hazel eyes. Sweat rolls down her temple as she stares at him, trying to catch her breath.

A few seconds before, she'd been lost in the music. She'd _been_ the music as far as he could see. Her entire body had moved with it, eyes closed, red hair falling onto the brown wood of the cello, fingers moving effortlessly and fluid like the rest of her.

Now, she was tense.

Harvey knows he shouldn't have come in here.

He should've at least knocked.

He's an idiot.

She's probably gonna yell at him.

Right now, she's still staring.

"I'm sorry", he stutters, one hand already on the door handle. "I thought you heard me come in, I was just looking for— "

He halts.

What _was_ he looking for?

Why was he here?

She arches her brows, fingers tapping on her cello with a mixture of impatience and nervousness.

"—this", he finishes lamely, grabbing the saxophone nearby.

"You were looking for a saxophone?"

"I was", he gives back, still feeling like the lamest person on earth.

"Do you play the saxophone?", she asks, putting her instrument aside and crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"I do." He runs his hand over the instrument, remembering his dad and how he used to play like no one he ever knew; how he used to take his saxophone – any saxophone, really – into his hand and play the first note and the world around Harvey melted away.

A small smile tugs at his lips before he can bring himself back to reality. "A bit", he adds.

Her left brow arches up even higher. "Show me."

"W-what?"

"Show me", she repeats. "I've always loved the saxophone, and since you interrupted me, the least you could do is make it up to me."

He can hear the sarcasm in her voice. She doesn't believe a word he says, and he can't blame her.

Quietly thanking his dad for all he taught him, he brings the cold instrument to his lips, positions his hands, and just tries to remember the first song that comes to mind.

Luckily for him, he can still play the saxophone quite well. Despite having no preparation time and a sloppy beginning, he manages to find an acceptable rhythm after the first few notes.

Unluckily for him, the first song he thought of was _Careless Whisper_.

He can see her bite her lip, trying not to burst into laughter. It's what he needs to keep going. It's what makes him better and better the longer he plays.

By the time he's finished, he's rather pleased with himself.

For just a split second, she seems impressed. Caught off guard, even.

Then, "that's not what I meant."

The confusion is evident on his face. "Do you want me to play something else? 'Cause I'm a bit rusty."

"No", she pushes herself up from her chair. She doesn't know why she wants to rile him up, make him feel small and nervous, but she does. Maybe because he just stomped in here, interrupting her most precious time of the day because she forgot to lock the goddamn door.

Maybe because he's a stranger and he saw a part of her she never allows anyone to see.

"I wanted you to show _me_ how to play."

He grows red so quickly it would be hilarious if she weren't trying to stay mad. "Oh? Okay, yeah, I could do that, I guess."

He approaches her with the instrument in his head, and his nervousness is nothing compared to her panic. She did _not_ think this through.

The only thing stronger than her uneasiness over losing control is her stubbornness to admit she made a mistake. She doesn't know when it started to feel like a competition, but it does.

Judging from the half embarrassed, half smug look on his face, he's thinking the same thing.

She straightens her posture and throws him a look that she hopes conveys enough detachment to fool him into thinking she's completely okay with his.

His hand appears on her waist the next second, and her entire body freezes. He puts the instrument into her hands and she holds on to it with numb fingers. She can feel him breathing down her neck as his left hand pushes her red locks over to her left shoulder, leaving the right side of her neck even more exposed then before.

"You need to", his voice is quiet, but it rings inside her head because his mouth is so close to her ear. Her fingers tremble for a moment and he puts his on top of them. "You need to place them here."

She barely notices that he doesn't let go of her hand once it's positioned correctly.

"Now what?", she asks. Her mind is blank.

His chuckle vibrates against her skin. She's pretty sure goose bumps are currently spreading over her body like a wildfire. "Now you try to force a noise out of this thing."

Her lips wrap around the mouthpiece with slight hesitation, but she's determent enough to not let this boy she just met leave the room feeling like a smug bastard.

A loud sound escapes the saxophone and her eyes widen the next second.

She whirls around to look at him and he catches a scent of vanilla that he hadn't noticed before. Her eyes are sparkling and the smile she gives him nearly knocks him out. "I did it!"

"Not bad", he manages to choke out, trying to come across as charming and failing spectacularly.

"I bet you weren't able to do that on your first try", she grins.

"Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't", he gives back. "You should teach me to play the cello one day."

She bites her lip, surprised. "Who says I'll ever let you in this room again?"

He doesn't let go of her eyes, but he does take a step away and rubs the back of his neck. "Call it a gut feeling."

The bell rings and both of them flinch, remembering a world outside of this room. It's a rather disappointing feeling.

"I'm Harvey by the way", he says before he can chicken out and run away. "Harvey Specter."

She shoulders her cello case and gives him a casual smile. Her walls are back up and she cannot wait to get the hell out of here. "Well, Harvey Specter, I guess I see you around."

She comes to a halt at the door, tapping the frame, once, twice. Then, she throws back a glance over her shoulder, giving in.

Her shell cracks for the second time that week.

"I'm Donna Paulsen."

.

The first time she plays in front of Lily is nerve-wracking. She still doesn't know why she's doing it, there's no rational explanation, just this weird sense of comfort that Lily is giving her. Her fingers shake violently throughout it, but she finishes it without a mistake.

What she gets in return is nothing she's prepared herself for. Lily's eyes are wet, her mouth is quivering, but the smile she gives her is so bright that Donna almost wants to play for her again.

"Thank you, Donna", Lily says after clearing her throat. She reaches forward and nudges the girls' hand. "I know this wasn't easy for you, and I know we barely know each other, but I am proud of you, and I am beyond grateful you've decided to share such a personal part of yourself with me."

Donna furrows her brows. "How did you know?"

"I am an artist, too. It took me a couple of decades before I dared showing my work to anyone. Except my grandson. When he's not out playing baseball, he's actually a great help, and he's my toughest critic."

"Do you— ", Donna's eyes drop to the floor. "Do you think I could come back with my cello next week? Maybe I can practice playing in front of people. Maybe I can stop freaking out about it if I do it more often."

Lily nods enthusiastically. "You can play for me as much as you want."

.

It takes Donna awfully long to make the connection.

Harvey starts coming into the music room during every lunch break, waiting in front of the door until she's finished playing, just like he promised, so she can listen to him playing the saxophone. Sometimes she sits across from him, humming along to the song. Sometimes she's writing down notes, her feet tapping a completely different beat than the one he's playing. Sometimes she barely seems to notice he's there, just staring out of the window. Sometimes she listens to every single note he plays, lying on the floor with her eyes closed and a small smile playing around her lips.

None of them really knows what the hell they're doing here, but both of them keep coming back for more.

Day after day.

Week after week.

Surprisingly, she's the one that brings it up first.

It's the one day she's late, sweeping into the room right after class just to see him waiting for her. "Sorry", she says breathlessly, "Rachel wouldn't shut up about her freaking fight with Mike."

Harvey rolls his eyes. Ever since her best friend and his best friend started dating, they ended up talking about their relationship half of the time.

They also started to hang out outside of this room thanks to them, so he wasn't really complaining.

"What is it this time?"

"She wants to do the Christmas play and he refuses to join."

"Understandable."

Now it's her turn to roll her eyes. "It's fun."

"It's boring, boring, and oh, did I mention boring?"

"Would you rather join the music contest?"

He shrugs. "My nan would love it, that's for sure."

Donna takes a moment to process that information. He rarely talks about home and she respects that, it's not like it's any of her business anyway. But she can practically sense that he's had something terrible happen to him in the past. He carries a shadow of trauma around with him that he never addresses, but it's palpable if she pays attention. And she does pay attention.

"Why don't you sign up?"

He scoffs. "And do what? Stand on stage and play the saxophone like some sort of idiot? Thanks, I'll pass."

"You're good", she insists.

"You're better", he argues, regretting the words the second they left his mouth.

There's a sudden tension in the room as they look at each other.

"You said you wouldn't listen anymore", she says, heated to cover up how stupid she feels for being hurt by this.

"I know and I'm sorry but", he runs his fingers through his hair in a desperate motion, "You are not just good, Donna. You are _incredible_. And I know you don't wanna play in front of people, but I bet my ass you could even get one of the scholarships if you joined the contest."

"That's nonsense."

"I can help you."

She's already on her way out and he's desperate.

"We could sign up together."

That stops her. She considers it, turns around and goes through the possibilities in her mind. "A cello and a saxophone?", she says then, and she knows it's both a valid reason and a cowardly excuse. "That'll never work together. I'm sorry, but it won't."

A thought crawls to the forefront of his mind, terrifying and persistent, and he has to take a breath before he says it out loud. "What about a cello and a piano?"

Something in her eyes change when catches the look on his face. He wonders if she can see how much it means for him to even bring it up.

"You play the piano?"

"Used to."

"You stopped."

"Yes."

"Why?"

His left eye twitches. "Does it matter?"

Donna's head tilts to the side as she trying to read him. "It won't if you're willing to pick it up again."

He swallows, but his throat is dry. "I can try."

Harvey's reaction ends up being the only reason that makes her agree. Even though he doesn't tell her why, she can feel that this is a much bigger deal for him than he lets on.

"Hey", she nudges his elbow gently. "I stopped playing the piano as well."

That surprises him. "Really?"

She nods. "Yeah, I didn't pick up the cello until I sold my piano three years ago."

_Three years ago._

He feels like someone just punched him in the stomach. "Three years ago," he repeats.

"Yeah, it just didn't…", she pauses when she sees how pale his face has gotten, "… feel right anymore. Are you okay?"

"Of course," he tries to fake a smile. "It's just— that's when I stopped playing, as well. Crazy coincidence, huh?"

Donna can't shake the feeling that nothing about this, about _them_, is either crazy or a coincidence.

"Do you know what we should play?"

He knows what she's going to suggest before the name leaves her lips.

"_On the Nature of Daylight_."

A pause.

"Do you know it?"

Harvey nods with closed eyes and vows never to tell her.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do."

.

It finally hits her when she's at Lily's place and she recognises the headband lying on the living room table. Because it's _her_ headband, the one she forgot in the music room early today.

It's like she found the last piece of the puzzle and can finally see the entire picture.

"You're Harvey's nan", she whispers, still staring at the headband.

Lily gives her a long look. "I am."

"We've started hanging out this year", Donna rushes to explain, but Lily interrupts her with an, "I know."

Donna falters. "You know?"

"Harvey told me about the girl he met in the music room, the one that played _On the Nature of Daylight, _and not long after that, you came into my life and played another composition by Max Richter for me and that's when I knew you had to be the same girl."

"Wait." Donna frowns. "I haven't played _On the Nature of Daylight _in months, that was before we met."

"Oh", Lily chuckles, slightly embarrassed. "He must've not told you. It's not the easiest subject for him, but he played it at his parents' funeral three years ago."

Donna's world turns on its axis.

.

The first time they play _On the Nature of Daylight_ together, they're both nervous.

Harvey hasn't touched a piano in three years.

He doesn't know that Donna knows why.

Donna hasn't played in front of anyone except Lily since she first picked up a cello.

She knows that he doesn't know she's the girl that comes over every Wednesday while he's at baseball practice to help out his nan.

They look at each other, unsure.

They play the first note together, and everything melts away.

Harvey finally understands why his dad gave up everything for his music. He understands why Gordon left, sometimes for a couple of weeks so he could tour and do what he loved most, even if it meant being away from his family. He understands why Donna is terrified of playing in front of an audience of 300 people, because what if they laugh at them for baring their souls to some strangers who might not get what it means? He understands why despite what she says, Donna _needs_ that scholarship. He plays alongside her and suddenly, he wants it as well. Not only so that they can go to college together, but so that he can keep playing with her.

So that they won't have to give this up next year.

A couple of months before, they didn't know each other.

Now, they're partners.

Harvey tells her about his parents, and she listens.

He doesn't tell her about the funeral yet because he doesn't know how.

Donna tells him about her parents and how supported and loved she is.

She doesn't tell him about how empty she still feels inside because she thinks he gets it. She thinks he feels the same.

Harvey grows to love Max Richter again, to not think only of pain and darkness when he plays his piece, but also of emotion and the beauty of having Donna next to him, feeling what he's feeling like they're connected through this unspoken bond.

.

Donna's parents are excited to meet Harvey, her best friend as she keeps insisting on despite Rachel's grumbling protest.

He goes in and out of the house soon enough and evades questions from Donna's mum whether he agrees that him and Donna would make a sweet couple with the same blush on his cheek that creeps up on Donna's.

For the first time in 17 years, something inside of Donna calms down and finds peace. The kind of peace she would only feel when she picked up her instrument. She feels that when she looks at Harvey and it scares her so much that she ignores it the best she can.

When they're not practicing for the big day, they're having dinner at Donna's house, or sometimes at Lily's. Harvey doesn't like the knowing looks Lily gives him whenever Donna is around, but he still likes having Donna around more. They hang out with Mike, Rachel, Louis and Jessica, although Harvey likes to point out that only _his_ friends – Mike and Jessica – are bearable to be around. He doesn't mention that whenever he's alone with them, both of them tease him relentlessly about his relationship with Donna.

Jessica call him a wuss every single time he denies wanting anything more from Donna than friendship.

Donna's parents come to cheer him on at one of his baseball games and when they hug him afterwards, Harvey tries really hard not to choke up.

.

When they play _On the Nature of Daylight_ for Lily for the first time, she cries.

They cry with her when they realise she'll be too weak to make it to the theatre a week later.

.

One day Donna forgets her ring on Lily's counter after doing the dishes. When Harvey wants to pull it out of his pocket the next morning, she stills his fingers with her hand.

The contact feels like a shock wave moving through him.

"Keep it", she says, voice low because they're standing in the school hallway in front of her history classroom.

Before he can ask why, she pulls him into a hug. He needs a moment to react; he's surrounded by her vanilla shampoo because his face is buried in her red hair, but then he wraps his hands around her waist and tugs her closer. Her hands are wrapped around the back of his neck. When she pulls back, she murmurs, "it's for good luck."

The ring stays where it is, locked inside the pocket of Harvey's trousers, no matter which pair he's wearing during the next couple of days.

.

Donna knows the day is coming closer, and the building pressure is enormous. Ever since she decided to join, since Harvey convinced her to do this together, she's been feeling like she's gambling. Gambling with her future. If this doesn't work, if it doesn't go well, she doesn't know what to do next.

She put everything on one card, and that card was her and Harvey.

She doesn't know if she would ever forgive herself if they fail. Especially because she'd be destroying Harvey's dream as well.

Her mum helps her pick out her dress; it's emerald like her favourite leather jacket and makes her pale skin glow. Lily loves it when she shows it to her, but Donna makes her promise not to tell Harvey. In return, she allows Lily to take a picture of her, all dressed up and cello in hand, because Lily won't get to see her like this when it really matters.

When she comes home that afternoon, she catches Harvey just about to leave her place and the irony of her just coming from his place makes her chuckle. His eyes scan the bag in her hand and she pulls it up against her chest, shielding the dress from his curious stare.

"Don't be a tease," he grins.

"Have you met me?"

He shakes his head but drops it, knowing he won't be able to win this – or any – argument against her.

"Are you ready for tomorrow?" She tries to keep her voice steady.

"As ready as I'll ever be. I promise I won't embarrass you," he jokes weakly. Then, he takes a step forward, right into her personal space. His eyes are sparkling with a certain recklessness she recognises from the day she first met him. His fingers brush over her arm for just a second. "Hey, do you wanna meet up tonight? It'd be good to take our minds off everything for a while."

She agrees before she can think much about it and only realises her heart is racing when she's inside the house, back pressed against the door as she hears him walk away. She doesn't even know if any of the others will join them. She doesn't even know where they're going. She doesn't even know what to wear.

His dad tells her that he went out with Harvey earlier to buy him a proper dress shirt and shoes and she tries not to be too touched by it. She can feel that something is growing right before her eyes, something permanent and lasting, and despite being scared shitless by it, it's also the closest to happiness she's ever felt.

Donna knows the fall from such a high can be absolutely devastating, so she tries not to let herself feel too much.

She really, really tries.

.

They meet up at a bar, and they're alone.

Harvey sees that she's avoiding his eyes, avoiding him really, and he knows it must be her nerves. All they've worked for, all they've done for the last few months, it was all for these couple of minutes they'll spend on stage tomorrow. Donna had been getting better and better at playing in front of an audience recently, she'd played in front of Jessica for the last week, and even all of her friends yesterday, but still, it would take everything she has in her to walk out behind the curtain and face her audience tomorrow.

Donna laughs nervously, hating how fake it sounds. "So, what are we doing here Harvey?"

"First", he announces, waving at the bartender, "we're gonna have a couple of drinks."

"Not too many", he says when he sees the immediate protest on her face, "just enough to relax us for what is to come next."

"You won't tell me what's next until after I've had a drink, will you?"

"Smart girl."

.

Harvey orders them water and tequila shots. Four tequila shots each, to be exact.

After the last one, Donna feels the alcohol warming her stomach and loosening her senses and she takes a deep breath. Maybe this wasn't the worst idea in the world.

When Harvey drags her to the small stage at the other end of the bar and tells her they'll have their dress rehearsal right here, right now, well _that_ is the worst idea in the world.

"Please tell me you're kidding", she says in complete disbelief.

There is that recklessness in his eyes again. "Never was more serious about anything in my life. If anything goes wrong, nobody will care. They'll go back to their beer and forget all about it. But if even one person likes it, we know we have an actual shot of getting you that scholarship."

"Getting _us_ that scholarship", she corrects him automatically.

His grin is wide and honest as he takes her hand and guides her onto the stage.

Harvey only has a shitty cheap keyboard and the cello is definitely not as good as hers, but somehow that makes it easier to keep herself from panicking.

In a weird way, he's right. If anything goes wrong today, it won't matter.

But if anything goes right, she'll feel more ready for tomorrow.

The bar quiets down as the people assemble around the stage, some curious, some bored, some with ironic smiles and expectations that can't be matched.

But Donna doesn't look at them. She looks at Harvey. She waits for his nod and follows his lead.

It's not as terrible as she thought it would be. They find their rhythm immediately, and if she keeps looking at him every once in a while, she can ignore the others. She feels the energy running through her veins, the adrenaline and excitement because she's finally here, playing in front of all of these people. And they're listening. Nobody's booing. A few wipe their eyes. Donna closes hers for the next part; her favourite part.

Maybe this is the best idea Harvey's ever had.

.

It takes a while for the applause to die down after they're finished, and Donna almost finds it embarrassing. But another part of her feels a pride for herself that she's never felt before and when she looks at Harvey, she feels something else. Something strong, something that tugs at her heartstrings.

They agree to take one more shot, just to celebrate. Celebrate the possibilities, and how far they've come, and where they are right now.

"I would dance if they'd play something quicker", she tells him, feeling quite tipsy.

Harvey narrows his eyes. "Are you afraid to slow dance, Paulsen?", he mocks her, and she can't help but scoff.

"Why would I be afraid of that, _Specter_?"

She'd be damned if she'd let him call all the shots tonight. The moment a new song starts, she interlocks their fingers and pulls him to the dance floor.

The surprise in his eyes gives way to something deeper, something more intense when he feels her other hand sliding up his arm to settle at the back of his neck.  
'

_I know what I want_

_I know what I want_

_I want a long life, all kidding aside_

'  
Donna looks up at him. Their hands are still intertwined but she can feel him letting go so his hand can trail down her back and rest right below her waist. A light shiver runs down her spine.

Normally, Harvey would tease her for that, and yet, this does not feel like joking territory at all.  
'

_Breathing in her dreams_

_Near the air I breathe_

_And I wanna dream_

'  
What they're doing right now can't even be described as dancing, considering they're barely moving at all; just swaying slightly while holding on to each other, not sure how they got here and why this means so much more than it should.

Donna wants to say something, defuse the tension, but she has no idea what. His hand, the one that is not on her back, ghosts over her cheek and then her chin until it ends at its destination caught somewhere in her curls. Her breath quickens when she understands where this is going.  
'

_Right down to the minute_

_Right down to the second_

_I can feel my every breath unfold_

'  
She knows he's going to kiss her before he does, and yet it comes as a complete surprise for her. It's a moment of time passing and freezing all at once. It's a moment as short as a heartbeat and yet it is everlasting for her.

She doesn't think about it when she kisses him back. She doesn't think anything, she just feels.

It's like when she composes, or plays cello.

It's just what happens because it feels right.

She always thought nothing would ever compare to what she feels for her music. But there's a moment when he's kissing her and she kisses him back when she realises that this does compare. As she intertwines her hands behind his neck to pull him closer, she understands that this feeling of freedom and contentment is the same.

_He_ makes her feel the same.

He gives her that overwhelming sense of intimacy not because of any musical piece they play together, but because of _him_.

It's a moment of realisation.

It's a moment of happiness, followed by the panic setting in again, because a fall from a high like this wouldn't just be devastating, it would be unbearable.

It's a moment shattered by her pulling back with wide, accusing eyes and a breathless, "what the hell was that?"

Everything inside him shuts down immediately. "I'm sorry", he says, as if he was apologising for stepping on her foot. "We're drunk. It'll never happen again."

He draws back so quickly she has no time to get her thoughts in order.

"Harvey— "

"I'll see you tomorrow. Get home safe, okay?"

He disappears into the crowd before she can call him back.

Before she even comes to terms with the fact that she _wants _to call him back.

.

He's ruined everything and he knows it.

He also knows she kissed him back, but that's not what should matter right now.

(Yet somehow, it's the only thing that does.)

He calls her, knowing she won't pick up.

They have six hours left.

.

He texts her, asking her if she'll be there.

She replies with a simple _yes._

They have less than four hours left.

.

She's late.

She's never late.

She promised Lily she'd play for her before the official show.

Donna taps her steering wheel, unsure which way to go.

In the end, she chooses to keep her promise and goes left.

She promised Lily she'd play for her.

She wouldn't even be able to play for _anyone_ if it weren't for Lily.

.

He tells Jessica what happened.

For once, she doesn't call him a wuss. She puts a hand on his shoulder and tells him to be honest with her once this is all over.

Harvey promises her he will.

He promises himself that he will.

If they'll pull this off, if even one of them gets a shot, or even if they don't, he'll tell her.

He waits for her with a wildly beating heart and sweaty hands, feeling exactly like the 17-year-old goddamn teenager that he is.

.

_She's late,_ he thinks when her parents walk in and wave at him from the third row.

_She's never late._

Why would she be late?

They have two hours left.

.

Lily scolds her for coming, for having to hurry up just to see "cranky old me", but the moment Donna starts playing, she watches her with the kind of love only a family member can. She watches her with unmeasurable pride and tears in her eyes and the brightest smile on her face.

In that moment, Donna doesn't care about a scholarship or the chance to get her music out there to be heard, she only cares about playing for Lily, and making her proud for the rest of her life.

"I'm nervous", she admits on her way out, as she bends over to hug Lily and kiss her cheek.

"Oh Donna, believe me", Lily says and touches her cheek. "You will be just fine. You and Harvey, you can do anything if you really want to."

"I wouldn't do this if it weren't for him."

"I know."

It slips out without her meaning it to. "I love him."

Lily closes her eyes for a moment and smiles. "I know you do."

"Maybe I should tell him. After we're done."

"Maybe you should."

They have an hour left.

.

Her parents call her while she's in the car.

"I know, I know, I'm late", Donna says before they have the chance to lecture her.

"Do you have your dress?", her mum inquires.

"Yes."

"Your heels?"

"Yes, mum, I promise I didn't forget anything."

"Good. Your father's already sweating through his very white shirt."

"I thought he was gonna wear the grey one?"

"He changed it."

"When did he have time to— "

"In the car."

She can't help but laugh. "Tell him to calm down, I'll be there in 10 minutes."

Donna can feel her mum's warm smile through the phone. "Good luck, honey, we are so proud of you."

"Thanks mum. I'll see you soon."

It's only after Donna hangs up that she notices what song is playing on the radio.  
'

_Right down to the minute_

_Right down to the second  
_

'  
She snorts.

Some signs were so obvious that even she couldn't ignore them.

She dials Harvey's number and he picks up after the first ring.

"Are you okay?"

She shifts uneasily in her seat, trying to focus on the road ahead. "Yes, sorry. I overslept this morning, so I was running late."

"Your parents are already here."

"I know, I just got off the phone with them. I'm late because I went to see Lily."

She can hear him wanting to protest and then shutting his mouth because he gets it.

He's the only person that gets it.

Through the silence, the song keeps playing. Harvey inhales sharply. "Is that— "

"Yep."

He laughs helplessly. "God, what are the chances."

"I don't think they're measurable by normal standards when we are concerned."

Something cold runs down Harvey's spine when she says that.

"Donna, I want to talk to you about last night. I shouldn't have left you there."

"I got home okay."

"That's not what I meant. I shouldn't have run away."

Her breathing is shallow. She can't do this right now, not right before their big moment. "We'll talk about this later, okay?"

His throat is tight. He has a horrible feeling in his gut, like he's running out of time. "Yeah. Okay."

The song interrupts his thoughts, blaring out of the radio.  
'

_And I'm down to the seconds_

'  
She's about to hang up, he can feel it.

"Donna."

She hums.

"But you— ", he breathes. In, and then out. He's never been good at this. "You know, right?"

It takes her a beat to answer, but when she does, her voice is small, shy even. "Yeah, I know."

Something inside him cracks open, and that crack is followed by a loud, ear-shattering crash at the other end of the line.

It's the last thing he hears before line goes dead.

.

An ambulance hit her.

Donna didn't see the red light because she glanced sideways for just a second, checking if Harvey was still on the other end of the call.

The paramedics said there was nothing they could do.

She was probably dead before the car stopped spinning.

.

When she dies, it feels like a tragedy.

It almost feels like poetry.

It would feel like one of her compositions, haunting, beautiful, crawling under your skin and never letting you go again.

It would feel like one of her compositions if it wouldn't hurt so fucking much.

.

It's a week before Christmas.

.

Harvey doesn't talk for a long time.

.

He has nothing left of her except a ring in his pocket and a dark, swirling hole of pain in his chest.

.

He doesn't remember much but the dull sense of shock surrounding his every movement. It's like a blanket, suffocating and protecting him.

.

He can't sleep, not really.

.

He plays piano.

.

The first thing that rips him him out of the state of shock is Rachel bursting into tears in his living room. She came over to beg him to attend the funeral, but she can barely get more than the first sentence out. He holds her and is almost surprised to notice he is crying, as well.

He doesn't promise her he'll go.

.

He knows there's nothing after this. No heaven, no hell.

The end is the end.

There's no use in going to a funeral when there's nothing but a shell left to bury.

He goes anyway.

He goes for Lily and holds her hand.

He goes for Donna's parents and tries not to drown in guilt knowing none of this would've happened if it weren't for him.

He goes for her, despite his better judgment.

He goes because every little fibre of his being wants him to be wrong.

He goes to say goodbye even if there's nothing left to say goodbye to.

.

It's a funeral and Harvey plays _On the Nature of Daylight_.

The irony does not escape him.

As he holds the last note for what feels like an eternity, he closes his eyes, because she's still there when he does and maybe if he never lets go, she won't either.

.

It's the last time he ever touches a piano.

.

.

.

.

* * *

_**writing this felt weirdly delicate, like me trying not to break glass because it couldn't shatter until right before the end. idk if that makes sense.**_

_**and I'm sorry for the pain, this somehow hurt me more than usual. maybe because they didn't deserve this at all, neither of them did...**_

_**how are y'all not sick of me yet. honestly.**_


End file.
